I like how Share the Road means "cars suck, get out of my way"

When I was a young lad, I seem to remember my mom telling me not to ride my bike in the street. All my friends rode on the sidewalk. Adults rode on the sidewalk. You had to be pretty stupid to take some aluminum framework on wheels out into the street where cars weighing in at 2000 pounds were speeding by at 35 mph while you struggle to peddle at about 15 mph.

I guess those days are gone.

Somewhere between the 1980s and now it became so important that bicycles not be on the sidewalk that we now have Share the Road propaganda everywhere. Bumper stickers, license plate frames, road signs. I wouldn't be surprised if some freak has a tramp stamp tattoo so you can see it while he sticks his ass out at you from atop his prostate-massaging bicycle seat. (In the ultimate irony, I was once cut off on the road by an SUV bearing a "Share the Road" bumper sticker.)

Now, I think bike lanes are the stupidest waste of money ever, but if there's room for them and they're already there, fine. Whatever. Just use them properly, please. If you want to share the road, you have to share the rules... and you also have to share the road. It doesn't belong to you, Mr. Bicyclist.

• Yield to cars. Your bike lane is on the right. Passing on the right is illegal for a reason.

• Red lights mean stop. Even on the sidewalk, it says "Don't Walk" so even if you fall in the gray area between vehicle and pedestrian, you still have to obey the law.

• If there is a bike lane, stay in it! Don't weave and wobble and ride next to your buddies to chit-chat - you will get hit someday, and despite it being your fault, someone will bitch and moan until the speed limit gets reduced.

• If there is no bike lane, get on the sidewalk. Yeah, it's okay. In fact, it's the law. No shoulder, no riding on the road.

• For shit's sake, don't cart your kids in the road! I've seen bikes with baby-carriers in the street (not in the bike lane) and joggers pushing strollers in bike lanes (hello, they aren't jogger lanes. What exactly does everyone have against sidewalks?) and families teaching their children how to ride a bike in the street. I mean, don't we all fall a few times learning to ride? What happens when the kid falls in front of a moving car? It's not going to be the driver's fault your kid get squished, it's yours, Irresponsible Parent.

I have several points of contention when it comes to bicycles in the road. So many, I'm sure I'll forget to name a few.

If you're riding a bike, it sure isn't because you're in a hurry to get somewhere. So why must you take main roads? If there's no bike lane and no shoulder, get on the sidewalk. It's just safer for you, and it keeps traffic flowing. I can't believe the congestion in major downtown areas caused by bicyclists. I get that you're saving the planet and whatnot but do it on the sidewalk. It's far easier for you to dodge pedestrians than for cars to dodge you. Cars shouldn't have to share the road because the roads were designed to be for MOTOR vehicles. Hence, MOTORcycles ride on the road. The obvious halfway point would be to just ask that you ride your bikes on the side streets as much as possible, and take to the sidewalk when traffic is getting bad or the shoulder is non-existent. Play it safe.

I also have a huge problem with accountability. I know the reason bicyclists break the law is because there are no license plates on their bikes with which to report their crimes. Think about it, you get cut off by some drunk in his SUV, you take down his plate number and call the cops. You see a bicyclist peddle through a red light and cause a near-accident, you call the cops and say "yeah, there's a male in his 30s wearing chartreuse spandex shorts and a funny-shaped bike helmet... I'm pretty sure he's not Jewish... headed toward the bike paths along Highway 16..." and good luck having a cop follow up on that description.

If we had bicyclists register their bikes and get licensed, we would have several advantages:

• Accountability

• Bike Safety classes mandatory before licensing

• Extra revenue to fund the paint for those bike lanes that most drivers don't use

• Increased safety awareness - if a bicyclist knows they can be reported, they'd pay more attention to the laws

I think at this point I'd like to share with you a bumper sticker I've created. For $6 I'll have a copy made for you.

I think I've made most of the logical points. Everything else is admittedly just me being hot-headed about my opinions from this point on, so I'll leave it at this.